Black and white stock footage of crowds milling about in the streets opens this episode.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California... It's the Perfect Hair Forever Comedy Variety Hour!
The words "The Perfect Hair Forever Comedy Variety Hour Show" appear on the screen. We fade into a theatre, where several Military Policemen are seated before a stage.
- Announcer: Featuring Steve Martin...
The name "Vishal Roney" appears on the screen.
- Announcer: Ruth Buzzi...
The name "Melissa Warrenburg" appears on the screen.
- Announcer: And Steve Buzzi!
The name "Warren Roneyburg" appears on the screen.
The curtain rises to reveal Sherman and Felix standing on the stage with a microphone. Above them is the Perfect Hair Forever logo. Piano music starts to play and the audience cheers.
- Sherman: Clap your hands, say ho!
The audience begins clapping in time with the music.
- Felix: (sings) He's a little bit comedy!
- Sherman: (sings) And he's a little bit anime cartoony! Watch out now.
- Felix: (sings) You're a Japanese hot dog!
- Sherman: (sings) Actually I'm the giraffe, and you's a California bear!
We see Hot Dog playing the piano.
- Felix & Sherman: (sings) Together we have married to produce...
- Sherman: Watch that high note, there.
- Felix & Sherman: (sing) Perfect hair!
- Felix: You a hot dog, you know.
- Sherman: I don't know nothin' about nothin' about nothin'.
- Felix: Yeah, you, you just a Japanese hot dog giraffe, that's what you are.
- Sherman: You watch your mouth there, boy.
- Felix: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Sherman: I ain't gonna give you too many chances now.
- Felix: Alright, okay.
A spotlight hits Sherman and he starts to tapdance.
- Sherman: (sings) Sha-ba-doo-dee-do-oh-duh-eh-doo-doh!
We cut away to a series of fuzzy shots from various TV stations - Perfect Hair Forever characters' faces have been inserted at random.
- Announcer: ... Tonight... comedy... buttocks... forever... variety... bring you... gala... Japanese Bear Dad!
We now go to a suburban house, with smoke billowing from the roof. Inside, Gerald is eating an ice-cream, while a woman wearing only an apron sits on the counter smoking a cigarette. She appears to have been slashed by claws. Outside, a bear chases Space Ghost.
- Gerald: What's wrong with Dad?
- Gerald's "Mom": He's a bear.
- Gerald: Goodness! Was he a bear this morning?
- Gerald's "Mom": He was! Until he got his morning coffee. Now he's a Japanese Bear Dad!
Japanese Bear Dad leans inside and roars at them.
- Gerald: Was Dad a Japanese Bear Dad this morning?
- Gerald's "Mom": I don't know. I was too drunk. I woke up drunk. Weren't you?
- Gerald: Hah! I'm too young to drink.
Japanese Bear Dad roars at Gerald through the window.
- Gerald: That bear sure looks hungry... even if he is our dad!
The audience laughs hysterically and applauds. We cut outside again, and a subtitle informs us that it's "9 years ago". Gerald enters the house holding Model Robot's head. Japanese Bear Dad is there waiting for him.
- Gerald: Dad! I'm home from school!
Japanese Bear Dead roars.
- Gerald: Guess what? I've just invented the internet. But it's made of wood.
Japanese Bear Dead growls.
- Gerald: That reminds me of a song. It's called "I'm a Failure".
Gerald walks off to the left, and the set seems to loop itself until he reaches a cliff face. He dives off, and soon afterwards floats back up on a cloud.
- Gerald: (sings) I can't do anything right. Everything I touch turns to wood. Except the things I need turned to wood. I use pills for that. But that makes my eyes bleed. So my life is a failure.
As he floats by, various other Perfect Hair Forever characters can be seen floating past him on their very own clouds. The crucified clowns, Cat Man, Brenda, Uncle Grandfather, Hot Dog...
- Hot Dog: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
... Norman Douglas, and a fire - above which the words "This is an Ear" are written.
- Gerald: (sings) My life is a failure. My life is a failure. My life...
- Norman Douglas: STOP THAT!
- Gerald: ... is a failure. I'm a failure. This journey is a failure. That song was a failure.
An image of Gerald running falls through the sky and crashes into the red moon orbiting the clown planet, exploding on impact.
- Announcer: His life is a failure.
Gerald returns to the house, where his "mom" is still sitting on the counter.
- Gerald: Mom! Where's my bike?
- Gerald's "Mom": Ohhh. Oh, you know what? Japanese Bear Dad sold it to himself to use in his Tokyo circus act.
Japanese Bear Dad crawls by, knocking over Gerald and the furniture.
- Gerald's "Mom": Dauuhghaauw.
- Gerald: Hey!
Gerald returns to a standing position in a puff of magical energy.
- Gerald: Let's find that circus... and buy back my bike!
- Gerald's "Mom": Uergh, can't we do it tomorrow?
- Gerald: Tomorrow?! Japan isn't open on Sundays!
- Gerald's "Mom": Not your tomorrow, my tomorrow. My, my tomorrow's Wednesday. Dauuhghaauw.
A flock of geese have now entered the house, and are pecking away at things.
- Gerald: What are all these EFFing birds doing here?!
- Gerald's "Mom": I dunno.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California... Geese!
Norman Douglas looks through the window.
- Gerald's "Mom": And, and I don't celebrate Wednesdays.
- Announcer: And now from Los Angeles, California... Steve Buzzi!
Back on the stage, the curtain rises to reveal Uncle Grandfather sitting at a table. We pan across and see Felix wrestling with a shark. This goes on for a while. One of the lightbulbs at the front of the stage breaks.
We pull back and see that a number of TV executives are watching all this on a huge monitor. The main exec sits in front of the three other suits.
- Executive: We just got the test results back from "Japanese Bear Dad". It's a disaster! Bears are scary! No child wants to be raised by bears!
- Suit #1: And this bear doesn't do drugs, so there's no B Story.
- Executive: Fund it!
- Suit #1: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! How about the hot dog?
Hot Dog floats up from beneath the table.
- Hot Dog: DOO DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-
A bear punches Hot Dog and he goes flying into the monitor, sliding down it and leaving behind a thick trail of blood.
- Executive: Fund it!
There's a knock at the door.
- Suit #2: Let me ask you this. Does anybody here know how the moon was formed?
- Space Ghost: (from outside) Hey!
- Suit #1: Congress!
- Space Ghost: (outside) Hey!
- Suit #2: Yeah, that's, that's, that's... Ding!
- Suit #3: Uh, ding!
- Space Ghost: (outside) Hey!
- Suit #2: And, uh, what about the oceans?
- Suit #1: Congress!
- Suit #3: Ding!
- Suit #2: Ding!
- Suit #1: Ding!
- Suit #3: Ding!
- Suit #2: Ding!
- Suit #1: Ding!
The door opens and Space Ghost staggers inside, carrying a bottle.
- Space Ghost: (slurred) Yuh, y'all have any work for me? Uh, ctuh, douh...
Space Ghost almost falls back.
- Space Ghost: Ooooh! There ya go. (retches) Now wait a minute. Do y'all have any work for me?
The executives all laugh at him. Space Ghost leaves and closes the door behind him.
- Space Ghost: Hell, let's call someone and tell them the bad news. Let's call... let's call... mom!
Space Ghost presses his chest-mounted communicator and we hear a dial tone. Behind him, we hear a bear growl. It's wearing a jetpack.
- Space Ghost: Hey, check it out, man, there's a bear comin'. Hey, buddy-
The bear shoots Space Ghost and takes off on its jetpack. It flies in front of the moon, and then its engines give out. It falls to the earth below and explodes in front of a school, turning into an angel.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California... It's Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party!
It suddenly becomes daytime, and the opening titles to "Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party" roll past.
Cut to a classroom, where a bell is ringing. Coiffio stands at the head of the class, holding a briefcase and mug.
- Coiffio: Okay... Bwenda.
We pan up Brenda's body - she's wearing a schoolgirl outfit and garters, while balancing some text books. The executive opens the door and leans in.
- Executive: Fund it!
- Coiffio: Pwesent! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Astronomic Cat!
Astronomical Cat flies up into the air, carrying its desk. The rest of the class consists of students that resemble Gerald, except with vastly different hairstyles. Ghost Bear is also amongst them.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Pwesent. Ghost Bear!
Ghost Bear roars.
- Coiffio: Ghost Bear?!
Ghost Bear roars again.
- Coiffio: Uh-oh, tardy again.
Ghost Bear roars a final time and throws his desk across the room. Blood sprays everywhere as Ghost Bear slaughters the entire class.
- Coiffio: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, oh Ghost Bear. I guess you're here after all!
The audience laughs.
- Coiffio: And...
We see Ghost Bear feasting on one of the students' corpses.
- Coiffio: Ted, I'm gonna mark you down as absent. Forever!
The audience laughs and the end titles for Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party roll.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California... (clears throat) Hello voice, have some coffee.
Back in the classroom, Uncle Grandfather enters holding a bottle. He trips over the waste paper bin and lands beneath Brenda, the bottle placed suggestively between his legs.
- Uncle Grandfather: Ohh, yes. Let's play spin-the-bottle-hot-girl-climb-aboard-me-and-start-to-be-spinning... on-my-bottle.
The audience laughs and applauds. Uncle Grandfather stands up. Both he and Brenda stand there silently while fart sounds begin playing. The audience laughs after every one.
- Uncle Grandfather: Oi.
The executive runs up to the camera.
- Executive: Fund it.
Cut to Tuna Mountain, as we pan down to a stall where two Indians are observing the wares on display.
- Chief: Whoa-ho. Look at those turqouise fish.
- Indian: Those are bracelets.
- Chief: I can't believe we pay eighty dollars for this.
Uncle Grandfather stands up behind the stall wearing an Indian headband and feather. He farts, and giggles.
We cut away to the stage, where a circular hole has been placed in the middle.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Brenda... and her amazing revolving buttocks!
A revolving platform rises out of the stage carrying Brenda, who is lying prone on it with her butt thrust high into the air. She simultaneously balances a tray of hamburgers on one hand. Uncle Grandfather runs onstage and watches very closely as she revolves. A mouse pointer appears and aims itself at the hamburgers.
- Announcer: Computers.
The mouse pointer clicks and we see Gerald, Hot Dog, Norman Douglas, and Terry walking through the forest. Gerald's motorcycle lies burning in the background.
- Announcer: It's Gerald.
Twisty pulls a knife and goes to stab Norman Douglas, but Norman looks at him just in time and he turns back into Terry.
- Gerald: Tuna Mountain sure is far.
The four of them walk past the Young Man and Sherman, who are just standing around.
- Sherman: I'm famished. How's about we go back to the Bay Area and get some crabs?
- Young Man: Let's see how the judges react. Judges?
There is no response.
- Young Man: Come on, judges, react!
Cut to a bedroom, where three Military Policemen are in bed together. Tuna Mountain can be seen through the window.
- Military Police #1: This sex sure is good.
- Military Police #2: Yes, it is.
- Military Police #1: And I'm envisioning you thrusting all over me right now in an extremely graphic way.
- Military Police #3: Oh, man.
- Military Police #2: Yeah, that's right, yeah, that's right. We can't thrust at each other because that's a standards problem.
- Military Police #1: But I'm feeling you thrust all against me anyway with your hot dog.
- Military Police #3: Love it when it touches my hot dog and uh...
- Military Police #2: Oh, thankyou.
Hot Dog emerges from beneath the covers.
- Hot Dog: DOO DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
- Military Police #2: I like it too.
The executive pokes his head out from under the covers.
- Executive: Space Ghost!
The audience laughs and applauds.
END TITLES
While the credits roll, Cat Man whacks a ball that's dangling from a string.
- Cat Man: That's it, bitch. Suck it!
Cat Man falls to the ground and stares up at the ball.
- Cat Man: Cat Man will EFF you up!
Cat Man starts clawing at the ball with his hands. Eventually he stops.
- Cat Man: I wanna go pick up some cold ones and knock 'em back.